I’ll never forget that first Christmas after I lost our first baby. I kept quite busy Christmas Eve baking, and decorating gingerbread houses, and watching Christmas movies with my hubby…much like every Christmas before and since. But, that year was different.
As we finally settled into bed for the night, anticipating an early (for us 😉) morning opening presents together and beginning our Christmas Day festivities, I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about all the “what ifs”.
“What if” we were going to be seeing family on Christmas Day still pregnant….they’d be ecstatic and congratulating us, instead of consoling us.
“What if” we were still expecting that little one, and knew that this Christmas would be our last quiet Christmas morning with just the two of us? I had looked forward to the hustle and bustle of children eagerly awaiting to open presents and experience the magic that Christmas brings with children once again. But, those dreams were gone.
“What if” kept swirling in my head until I finally burst into tears. My husband, who’d been absolutely wonderful throughout our short pregnancy and miscarriage, once again held me quietly and just let me cry.
“I miss the baby,” I said. How could something so small, that I’d only known for a few short weeks, have left such an impression on my heart?
He gently said to me, ” The baby is spending his/her first Christmas in Heaven, hearing carols sung by angels.” It was simply perfect.
While I still processed feelings of longing to have the baby here on earth with me, I knew that our baby just like the babies of millions of other mommies, was safely in the arms of Jesus. Heaven never felt so close than it did that Christmas Eve night.
There’s not a Christmas that goes by that I don’t think about our Angel Baby. I wonder what carols sung by angels must sound like. And I still daydream and reminisce about where we’d be in our parenting journey. It’s hard not to wonder who that little person would have been.
If you are a Mommy In The Making, on your journey to your babies like I am, or if you’re a Mommy who’s recently lost a sweet child, please know that you are loved.
So often I wonder why so many babies are lost, and why so many of us who would give anything to have our babies here with us are not given that chance.
There’s not many words that can comfort the longing and the sorrow a mother feels when she’s lost her child. And it is often magnified at special times of the year, especially at Christmas time.
Just know from this Angel Mommy’s heart to yours, that you are loved. We can’t always understand each other’s journey, as all of our journey to and through motherhood is different. But, we certainly can support and love each other.
The depth of sorrow I feel some days over the loss of our first baby, cannot be adequately explained in words. And, that ache in my heart can certainly be magnified at Christmas time. I’m sure I’m not alone.
What if this Christmas Eve, we all said a simple prayer for all the Mommies who are longing for their baby this Christmas. All stages of Motherhood can be painful…from the wait for a pregnancy to the loss of one.
Merry Christmas to all you Mommy’s In The Making. I sincerely hope and pray you find comfort, peace, and joy this holiday season, and renewed hope and strength in the New Year!