Often times I am awoken at night, with this one question in my head, “when will I get to be a mom?”. The hopes and dreams of what our lives will look like swarm in my head, and it’s hard to then fall back asleep.
Swiftly thoughts of grandeur fill my mind…”we’ll have the most well behaved children, with Pottery Barn Kids styled rooms that will always be neat and tidy”…”our little boy will play hockey & our little girl will do ballet”….”we’ll take them to Disney World every year and go on adventures together”….and “it’ll be just perfect”.
Almost simultaneously, though, my mind is overtaken with negative thoughts like, “what if it never happens for us?” “Will he still be happy being my husband?” “Will I be satisfied with my life if I’m never a mother?” “I’m running out of time…I need to get this going right now!” “But, what if God for some reason doesn’t want us to have kids?” “What if there’s something we’re not seeing?”
Then I think about those empty rooms that still sit vacant across the hall…how we’ve struggled for almost 7 years now with this battle I’d quite honestly like to forget….and one of 2 things happen.