Coping With Miscarriage & Loss: The Story Of Our Angel Baby

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  It is a day where moms all across the globe unite to honor our babies that have gone too soon.  We light a candle and remember the babies who are in Heaven, and pray for their families back here on earth.

I’d love to share with you the story of our angel baby.  Miscarriage and loss is never easy to talk about.  But, I am here to scream it from the rooftops, that you are not alone on this journey, dear friend.

Here is the story of our sweet angel who I can’t wait to meet one day, and how we learned to cope with loss.

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Earlier I shared our Infertility Journey with you.  If you missed it you can check it out here.  I purposefully ended that part of my story with a happy ending… that we were finally pregnant!  After 5 long years, we finally saw those 2 little pink lines that I had longed for.

We had made the big announcement to our friends and family.  Everyone was so excited for us.  It was a happy time in our life.

But, in an instant, our lives turned upside down.  Our joy turned to enormous grief.  I literally felt like the ground had tumbled away from beneath me, and I was falling into a different path.  A path that I didn’t expect to travel.

For some reason, I thought that after struggling for years to get pregnant, I’d earned some sort of honor badge.  In my mind I thought there was no way that we would lose this miracle baby of ours.  He or she was meant to be, after all, right?!

I could barely see it at that time, but that sweet little life that I only knew for a few short weeks, had made such an impact on my life and the life of others.

We knew a week before my miscarriage that the little life inside me was gone.  But, to me, he/she was still very real and very much alive.  We spent that week doing things that we would have done with our little one. We visited the zoo, watched movies, went for walks, and even watched fireworks.  We were a family, if only for that short time.

I talked to the baby and made sure that he or she knew just how much love we had for him.  And, I spent every night tearfully pleading for our baby’s life.  It just didn’t make sense.

After my loss, the emptiness I felt was indescribable.  I could feel the love and grace of God surrounding me, thanks to the prayers of so many.

We spend weeks, months, and even years trying to process the event.  And, I can honestly say, that there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that baby.

I felt death inside me.  I hoped and prayed to feel life again, but it never happened.

Every mom who experiences loss has a different story and experience.  But, we are all the same is one way, that we long to keep the memory of our lost little one alive.  We hold the dreams and the “what-if’s” closely.

So often I wonder who he or she would’ve been.  I wonder who he/she would’ve looked like, and how our lives would be different right now had that baby lived.

All I knew is that Heaven felt closer.  Every sunset, rainbow, or pretty sky caused me to reminisce about the beauty that my sweet child was surrounded by at that moment, hearing lullabies sung by angels, and knowing only peace and light.  And, that comforted me.

But still, every holiday, every special event, every birthday came with such a sting.

Our angel baby would be 2 years old right now.  We would be dressing him like a dinosaur, I’m sure, or her like a little unicorn or princess.  We would be getting our family photos done for Christmas cards, and be excited about this season’s family traditions.  We’d be visiting the farm, and picking pumpkins at the pumpkin patch, going on hayrides and trick ‘r treating at Zoo Boo.

Some days my heart just aches for what could’ve been.  But, thankfully, with time comes increased clarity, strength, & purpose.

I let myself grieve, and then prayed for God to take this pain and give it a purpose.  That is when this blog began.

If I can give you any kind of advice and encouragement on this sentimental day, friend, it would be these simple truths I’ve learned over the last couple of years as a mommy to an angel…

Let Yourself Grieve

There is no timeframe in which you should be ‘done’ grieving.  Sometimes it takes weeks, months, and even years.  And, even if you are blessed with more children, this one {or several} that live in Heaven will still hold a special place in your heart.

Honor That Little Life

I am a firm believe that everything in our life has a purpose…even those things that bring horrible pain and grief.  I sought to honor our little baby in some sort of way.

For me, I began writing and sharing my story.  I like to teach and talk, but obviously this topic isn’t one that most people like to talk about.  But, when I was grieving, I needed to talk about it.  So, I wrote.  I wrote letters to the baby, and journaled my deepest darkest thoughts.  I found my strength and courage in the written word, and thus this website was born.

I’ve known friends who plant a tree, or buy a small trinket to remind them of their little one.  I’ve known others who keep a special small box filled with moments from that time of their life.

Show Yourself Grace

One thing I’ve had to learn, is to choose Grace Over Guilt.  Grace during times when I feel the weight of blame on my shoulders; grace when others around me are pregnant and happy, and all I feel is jealousy and sadness; grace when I wonder if it will ever be a mommy again; and grace when the grief is thick enough to stab.

Allow yourself to cry, scream, and get angry.  Pray like you’ve never prayed before.  Have raw, heart-felt time talking to God. But, don’t stay in the sadness.

Allow yourself also to laugh again, and experience joy.  Coping with loss doesn’t mean that you have to stay in that stage of grief and guilt forever.  Your baby wouldn’t want that for you.

Tonight as I light a candle in honor of the angel that I miss every single day, I will pray for each and every one that stumbles upon and reads this post.

Dear friend, if you find yourself in the midst of a loss, I’ve been where you are.  I know the immense pain and guilt you feel.  You are loved.  Let yourself grieve and honor that little life that meant so much to you.  And, show yourself and others grace.

This song was such a comfort to me in the midst of my grief.  The words ring so true.  I hope you enjoy it too…