Miscarriage can be a very scary thing and such a private struggle for so many couples. And, yet, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so more than likely you know several women that have gone through one or two or even more.
I myself have experienced pregnancy loss twice, and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. Today, I’ll walk you through what to expect during a miscarriage, what actually happens during the process, how to heal afterwards both physically and emotionally, and how to know you’re ready to get pregnancy again.
I sincerely hope this blog post helps couples around the world who are facing this tragedy. If you have any further questions or just need to talk to somebody, I am here. Leave a question or your story in the comments below, or you can reach out to me privately via email…latteslilacsandlullabies@gmail.com.
{We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. To learn more about affiliate links, click here!}
What To Do When You Find Out You’re Miscarrying
For me, I learned I was going to miscarry a week or so prior to any symptoms. I went in for routine lab work and ultrasounds only to find that the baby wasn’t growing like they expected it would, and then later I’d get the dreaded call that my HcG hormone (the pregnancy hormone) was dropping.
You, however, may experience heavy bleeding or cramping that signal to you that something is wrong. Or, you may be just as surprised as I was to learn your pregnancy is ending although you still feel very pregnant.
So, what should you do when you find out you’re having or going to have a miscarriage. Well, it’s simply a very personal thing. I can only speak from my experience of knowing beforehand and tell you what I felt like I needed in those days of waiting.
What I Did When I Found Out I Was Going To Have a Miscarriage…
Both times I took time off of work. I am a mother-baby nurse and work with brand new parents after having their babies. So, for me, my job was a huge problem for me while miscarrying. There was no way emotionally I could be around newborns and happy parents while going through my own internal turmoil.
With our first baby, Adam and I spent a lot of time together. We went to the zoo, walked around our favorite park, and went on movie dates…anything to distract us. I also felt like I was doing an almost silent bucket list with that baby so that I could have happy memories of that pregnancy. Even though science explained that those little ones were no longer with us, I wanted to swarm both babies with love and family experiences just like they would’ve gotten if we met them earth side.
What To Do If You’re Already Having Symptoms…
If you begin to experience symptoms at home that cause you to think something is wrong, call your doctor immediately. He/She may have you come to the office for an ultrasound and lab work to confirm. Try to stay as calm as possible, but just be prepared for a whole host of emotions.
There’s no perfect answer to this question, but I know I am asked it quite frequently so I though I’d try to address it. There may come a time when you need to make a decision of whether or not to have a D&C or whether to have a “natural” miscarriage at home. Both comes with risks, so I’ll try to explain those next.
How To Decide Between a D&C or a “Natural” Miscarriage at Home…
Your doctor may give you both of these options depending on how far along you are and other health factors. Here is my experience deciding between the two.
A D&C (dilation and curettage) is a surgical procedure that requires the dilation of your cervix and a scraping of your uterine lining thus removing all tissue from your uterus. You can read about the risks and benefits of a D&C here. I think for some women, they choose a D&C so they don’t have to wait. The waiting can be complete anguish, and choosing this procedure can give you some control back to how this situation goes.
Another option your doctor may offer you is to have a “natural” miscarriage at home where you pass the tissue on your own without medical intervention. Basically, letting nature take its course. This is the option I went for, and here’s why,
- I didn’t want to go under anesthesia
- I didn’t want any of the risks of a possibly damaging my uterus since we were already dealing with infertility…the less scar tissue the better
- I felt it may be better for my hormones to gently even off doing a “natural” miscarriage at home
- I felt that if there was some miracle that my baby would survive, I didn’t want to be the reason his/her life ended prematurely
In a few paragraphs I’ll go into detail what I experience with both of my miscarriages to give you an idea of what to expect. It’s not to be graphic or gross you out. I simply want to be honest and straight forward, because I searched and searched for this info when I was going through it.
But, first, let’s talk about what you’ll need after a miscarriage, whether you opt for/or experience a D&C or a “natural” miscarriage.
Related Post: How To Support A Couple Going Through A Miscarriage
The Supplies You’ll Need During & After Your Miscarriage
The supplies that you’ll need after a pregnancy loss are very similar to what you’ll need postpartum, so it’s best to just stock up on these items just in case.
Pregnancy Loss Kit:
- pads- heavy duty to slim
- depends underwear
- Tylenol
- Motrin
- Comfy PJ’s
- Snacks
- Water
If you have time to prepare like I did, make sure you stock up on various sizes of pads and throw-away underwear. I also bought Tylenol and Motrin for pain during and afterward as well, and took them with the instruction of my doctor. I spent most of those days in comfy pj’s, ordering take out, and snacking on loads of Saunder’s chocolates and Swedish Fish.
Basically focus on buying the things that bring you the most comfort during this time, and the things that will help you heal inside and out.
How To Share The News Of Your Pregnancy Loss With Others
For both of our losses, we struggled with how to do tell our families and friends because it simply felt like we’d just shared this wonderful news with them. It feels downright devastating to literally turn around a couple days later and recant the wonderful for the awful.
Miscarriage made me feel like such a failure, and it was always my internal fear that I’d be letting my family/friends down by not being able to carry each pregnancy. I’m sure that this, and many other reasons, are why some couples choose to not share their news at all until they are in a “safe zone”.
But, for me, I couldn’t wait to share our good news. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, never thinking that it would all be over in the blink of an eye.
All of this to say, tell your family/friends when you feel ready in the way that’s most comfortable for you.
I remember with my first loss calling my manager to tell her. Uttering the words, “I’m having a miscarriage” brought me to the brink and I cried over the phone with her compassionately offering help and prayers on the other side of the line. So, when it came to those closest to us that we’d joyfully shared with already, I simply sent a text. It was the only way to share this awful news without feeling like I was going to lose my mind.
If you’re family and friends aren’t aware of your struggle and you need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I’ll gladly be a listening ear. (My email is latteslilacsandlullabies@gmail.com). Later on, when you feel comfortable, you can share the news with who you see fit. This is a very personal private thing, but I can speak from experience when I say that the comfort and support of those around us really lifted us through such a dark time.
What Happened During Our Early (6 Week) Miscarriage
Now we’ll get into more of the personal, heavy stuff where I’ll try to speak as clinically as possible about my 2 miscarriages…what I felt, what happened, etc. If this is too much for you, or don’t want to read this portion, please feel free to skip down to How To Cope With Grief.
Finding Out We Were Going To Have A Miscarriage…
My first loss occurred at approximately 6 weeks gestation. We’d found out at our 5 week ultrasound (we were doing fertility treatments) that we were going to lose. On ultrasound, the doctor found a gestational sac and an egg yolk but no embryo. She had told us to come back in a week to see if the embryo had formed. I truly believe this pregnancy may have been in retrospect a blighted ovum (where your body thinks you’re pregnant and everything forms other than an embryo).
My HcG wasn’t very high at the time it started dropping. It was maybe around 200. So, it was only a matter of days before the cramping started.
When My 1st Miscarriage Started…
During the miscarriage itself, I experience rythmic cramping, almost similar to how contractions happen during labor and delivery. They were spaced far enough apart that I could sort of drift off to sleep in between. They lasted all night. I tossed and turned. I remember the cramps being similar to really bad menstrual cramps except rhythmic in nature like I said. I was also very sweaty.
In the early morning hours, I got up to use the restroom and passed a large clot. It must’ve weighed a lot because it sank to the bottom of the toilet. I had passed clots during my periods in the past, but this one was larger. The rhythmic cramping pain stopped, but the bleeding did not. I bled pretty heavy for a few days afterward.
It took me about 6 weeks or so to get my first period after the loss, and we were told to wait a couple of cycles to start trying again per our fertility doctor.
Related Post: Coping With Miscarriage & Loss- The Story Of Our Angel Baby
What Happened During Our Late (11 Week) Miscarriage
My first miscarriage paled in comparison to the first. If we had known what I was going to experience that night, we may have opted for the D&C in all honesty. Looking back I’m very thankful that we were alright and that my body knew exactly what to do. In a time when I was mad at my body for not taking care of this pregnancy, I suddenly was in awe of how it knew exactly what to do to keep me safe. I’ll explain…
Finding Out We Were Going To Lose Our Second Pregnancy…
With our second pregnancy, I was farther along, approximately 11 weeks. We had once again gone in for our first ultrasound and repeat blood work. All of my HcG’s had been good. They were really high to begin with and kept climbing. I was around 16,000+ on this fateful day.
Our doctor came in to do the ultrasound and once again had a hard time finding the fetus. I tried to take deep breaths and stay calm, but the PTSD from the first pregnancy slowly starting to creep in. “This can’t be happening again,” I remember thinking.
She finally found the baby but could only focus for a few seconds. But, we saw the baby. He/She was just sitting there looking all cute and adorable. We were feeling hopeful until the doctor said that the baby wasn’t as big as she’d expect for how many weeks I was.
She sent us for more lab work, and practically had to hold back my tears while sitting in the office waiting to be poked. Everything about this screamed at me just like the first time. I didn’t realize I had just bad anxiety until this day. It all came to a head. By the time I got back in the car, I was downright having a panic attack.
We didn’t find out until the next day that my HcG had in fact dropped and we were going to once again lose our baby. We braced ourselves for what was to come.
My Second Miscarriage Was Much Different Than The First…
It once again took about a week or so for some bleeding to begin. I’d say the entire process took just under 24 hours. I started bleeding and bled slightly throughout the day with very little pain. Then, at about 10:00 p.m. on August 29th, 2019 the excruciating pain struck.
I couldn’t sit down, lay down, or get comfortable at all. I tried and tried to relax, but it was impossible. The cramping was 10 times worse than the miscarriage before. There was no rhythm. It was continuous pain like I’d never experienced.
I paced our hallways, back and forth, deep breathing like I was literally in labor. I remember leaning over the couch since that seems to be more comfortable at time and swaying my hips back and forth. I’d seen this done a time or two.
After about 2 hours of this pain, I suddenly felt something fall out of me. I ran to the bathroom. Now when I wiped, I saw heaps of clots and blood on the toilet paper. The bleeding got much worse and the pain hadn’t gone away completely like before.
I Was Completely Devastated & Horrified…
When I stood up from the toilet, I took a look to see what I’d passed. I screamed in horror. This time for me, this miscarriage made this pregnancy all too real. In the toilet was a perfectly formed gestational sac. It was creamy in color, with bits of tissue attached to one side on the outside. I could see remnant of what looked like an umbilical cord attached to a dark mass on the side of the sac that I assume to be the embryo…or, our baby.
Adam fished it out the toilet very gently. I brought myself around to study it and memorize everything I was looking at. We didn’t feel right flushing out baby down the toilet, and wanted to save everything I passed in case our doctor wanted to see it later on.
We didn’t open the sac to see the baby inside. I, for some reason, wanted him/her to remain in her cozy little home untouched by the outside world which seemed so ruthless to me at that moment. Just seeing this sac made this pregnancy all too really anyways, and I think if I’d seen the embryo in it’s tiny phase of development I may not have been able to cope with the situation.
Then the pain began again, but worse. For 4 more hours, I paced and paced and bled all over the place. I was nauseous even though it had been hours since I’d eaten anything. I was in so much pain I couldn’t talk. I’d swiftly ask Adam to google my symptoms. Is this normal? Is that normal?
He contemplated scooping me up and taking me to the Emergency Room several times, but I refused. In hindsight, that may not have been the best decision. I was probably on the verge of hemorrhaging.
Maybe I Should’ve Gone To The Hospital For Help…
I remember it was around 4 a.m. when a sudden rush of nausea came over me while I was trying to use the bathroom once again. Thank goodness I had the where with all to pull my underpants up, because as I dry-heaved, suddenly I felt something large fly out of my vagina.
And, just like that, the pain ceased and I felt “normal” again. I got up to sit on the toilet once again, now Adam in the doorway looking completely horrified. I pulled my underwear down and out plopped what looked like a placenta onto the bathroom tile. There were other bits and pieces of tissue also found on my pad and in the toilet.
My body knew it needed the strong thrust of me “throwing up” to get the rest of that tissue out so my uterus could contract down. I look back now as an OB nurse and am thankful my situation wasn’t any worse. I passed clots and a lot of blood in the following hours, but the pain was gone!
I couldn’t believe the ordeal my body had just gone through. I took pictures of what I passed to share with my doctor. She was blown away. The difference in miscarriage from 6 weeks to 11 weeks was immense. It just goes to show how quickly babies form in the womb.
Both took a deep emotional toll, though. It doesn’t matter if you’re 6 weeks along or 12, miscarriage is a horrible thing to endure.
Related Post: The Story Of Our Second Miscarriage- Coping With Grief & Loss Again
What Your Body May Experience After A Pregnancy Loss
There are many things my body went through after miscarriage that I wish I would’ve known about and prepared for.
Bleeding
First things first, after a miscarriage you will probably experience a lot of bleeding. This is why it’s so important for you to stock up on extra pads and underwear. I bled much heavier than a normal period after my losses, and the bleeding including some clots too. So, be prepared for a lot of bleeding. (If you think you are bleeding too much, or are feeling weak, dizzy, etc call your doctor asap!)
Lingering Pregnancy Symptoms
It may take your body a while for your pregnancy hormone (HcG) to drop to pre-pregnancy levels, so you may experience some pregnancy symptoms even after your miscarriage. This was especially difficult for me when I returned to work and still felt nauseous at different times of the day, or felt soreness around my breasts when holding or bathing infants I was caring for at the hospital.
It can feel like a sick joke when you’re still struggling with the pesky symptoms with nothing to show for it.
Postpartum Depression
Women that have gone through a miscarriage experience the same, if not a more extreme, drop off of hormones similar to women who’ve just given birth. This sudden change in hormones along with the reality of such a tragic loss can lead to postpartum depression and anxiety.
If you feel as though you need help after your loss, you’re having threatening thoughts, or feel like your grief is interfering with your everyday duties, let your doctor know. There’s no shame in sharing this struggle.
In fact, when I look back, I think I should’ve been treated after my first loss. I had even started to have suicidal ideation that I shared with my husband. I was having thoughts like, “well, if I go to Heaven I can be with the baby there” and “if I die, I could be a mom in Heaven”.
Now, after my second, he is watching me very closely. It’s been hard to bounce back into normal life and some things that I’ve always enjoyed doing just don’t seem that fun anymore. I’m taking it one day at a time. But, this time, if I feel like I need to be treated for depression, I’ll seek help.
First Period My Take Awhile To Come Back
Your first period may take awhile to come back thanks to those dropping hormones. After my second miscarriage, it took me 8 weeks to start again, which can seem like an eternity when you just want to start trying again. Beware, you can get pregnancy during this time also. You’ll still likely ovulate prior to your next cycle, so if your physician has instructed you to wait for a couple of cycles, practice safe sex during this time.
How To Cope With The Emotional Turmoil & Grief After A Miscarraige
There is no easy answer to how to cope with your emotions and grief following a loss. All I can say is, take it one day at a time. Take breaks from social media if all you’re inundated with is pregnancy announcements and cute babies. Learn to take a step away from people that aren’t supportive or make your anxiety worse regarding your loss or getting pregnant again.
Give yourself the space and the grace to feel what you feel, whether that’s anger, depression, anxiousness, sadness, confusion, etc. This can be especially needed when your family and friends start to have babies and grow their families. Remain supportive of them and rejoice with them, but if you need to take a step away and grieve your loss again. Sometimes life can literally rip off the scab of this wound and cause us to bleed again and again. It’s ok to acknowledge those feelings and rest in them for a while.
Grief is not something that passes quickly. It’s not something we can control. Be patient with yourself and your spouse, who is also grieving. It may take a while for this not to dominate your thoughts and your every day, but it will get better.
How To Know If You Are Ready To Get Pregnant Again…Both Physically & Emotionally
Here’s the million dollar question that we all wish we knew the answer too, am I right. And, the honest truth is, that this depends on each couple individually.
First, talk with your physician. Depending on how everything went with your miscarriage, he/she may recommend waiting for a couple of cycles, especially if you had a D&C.
However there are some studies that suggest that you are more fertile after a loss. That’s why a lot of couples opt to get right back at it in hopes of having their rainbow baby.
It’s hard to know if you’ll be emotionally ready to take on a pregnancy after a loss. It comes with a whole host of additional anxiety you probably didn’t experience the first time around now that you’ve seen the not-so-happy ending. So that is a discussion you need to have between yourself and your spouse. It can be a big decision to start trying again, so it’s important to both be on the same page.
Conclusion
I sincerely hope that this blog post helps you understand miscarriage a little bit more and the ups and downs that can come with it, whether you’re going through it yourself and know someone who is.
If you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out in the comments below or privately via email. My email is latteslilacsandlullabies@gmail.com.
18 Comments
This was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and soul with us.
Thank you so much, Julie. I sincerely hope it helps other couples.
I wish I would have come across your post sooner. I just had a miscarriage today. I started bleeding on Thursday and went straight to the ER. I received an ultrasound and was told my baby was small but was in the right place although it’s heartbeat was slow. I was sent home with the possibility of it being nothing or the beginning of a miscarriage. The next couple of days seemed like eternity. I went to urgent care on Saturday because the bleeding got worse. They ran more blood work and on Monday I was told my numbers went up but not by much. I called my OB and gave the nurse my numbers. In Tuesday I was told to come in for an ultra sound. Baby was there but no heartbeat. I was sent home to have the miscarriage with no real information on what to expect. I had excruciating pain as if I was having contractions and heavy bleeding. I went to bed and thought I was done. I had my miscarriage on one of the many trips to the bathroom. I was wrong. Wednesday I had a very productive but sad day at work. I decided to lay in bed for a moment to rest when I felt tightness in my lower abdomen. I thought I had bad gas and decided to go to the bathroom. Within seconds of sitting down I had miscarried. My partner without hesitation scooped the fetus out of the toilet and placed them in a cup. We are devastated and unsure of what to do next. Can you share what you did for both miscarriages?
I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a painful and lonely experience to go through. Medically speaking at this point, I would recommend really watching your bleeding. Do you know how far along you were? You may still need to pass the placental tissue. If all of the fetal/placental tissue hasn’t been passed, you may experience really heavy bleeding or get an infection. So watch your bleeding closely and call your OB. Your OB may want to run testing on the fetus to check for chromosomal abnormalities. This is the plan if we should ever experience a loss. We are to bring the fetal tissue into our doctor’s office to be tested for abnormalities. However this past miscarriage, we also scooped our baby out of the toilet and plan to bury him/her under a tree to honor that little life. Now, depending on how far along you were, your OB may check your pregnancy hormone in your blood (HCG) to make sure it’s dropping. If it doesn’t drop, you may need a D&C (which is a procedure to clean out your uterus) to remove any leftover tissue. It took 6 weeks for my HCG to drop back to normal levels. Then after that it took a few more weeks for me to get my first period. It took a while for the pregnancy symptoms to also go away, which was heart wrenching. Hang in there. I hope I answered some of your questions. If you have more, please let me know. Hugs and prayers.
I was approximately 6 weeks and 1 day according to my conception date. I have my originally scheduled OB appointment on October 2 so I will be having a checkup then. I did call the OB office today to see if they could run tests to see if what may have caused the miscarriage so hopefully they are able to find out. We are very sad but will be trying again once I have healed. Our struggle is not knowing what to do with the fetal mass that came out should they not run tests. We are just so lost and very very sad.
I totally understand. It can be such a confusing, difficult time. Some doctor’s offices will take the fetal tisue to run testing, other’s may not. It just kind of depends on your situation. I know this may be a bit strange and difficult to read, but we put our last baby in a ziploc bag in the freezer. We plan to one day bury him/her under a tree in our backyard. It’s a difficult and strange conversation to have, but us loss mamas get it. I simply can’t let that baby go. That’s why when my doctor offered to take it for testing, I had a difficult time with that. Now I know, and can wrap my head around the fact that, if we should happen to have another miscarriage (which I hope and pray we do not), I will bring that fetal tissue into her office right away. I’m seeing a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor who’s opened a pregnancy loss clinic, since I’ve already had 2 losses. She’s the doctor that would like to do that testing to make sure that it is chromosomal abnormalities with the fetuses that’s causing the miscarriages, and not that my body is rejecting pregnancies. The whole loss journey can be very confusing and overwhelming. You do what you’d like to do with your baby. Hang in there. I hope this helps.
Thank you for your honest story. I have been miscarrying all week and have been having trouble finding what’s normal and not. It’s an emotional overload plus the physical pain of it all too. It’s nice to feel not alone in all of this.
I’m so sorry, Aryn. You’re right. It’s so lonely and painful both emotionally and physically. I’ll be thinking and praying for you.
Hi I am Nomzamo south africa…I stumbles upon your blog when I was searching for someone who has experienced something similar to me…thank you Stephanie for sharing your story and touching so many lives.
I recently suffered a miscarriage of what was going to be my rainbow baby…this preganancy was after an ectopic pregnancy…I was looking forward to be a mom once more sadly I lost my Precious baby….it is difficult to find closure because I dont know what caused the miscarriage and what I would have done to prevent it .I was informed that every woman can have a miscarriage before you reach the weeks mark.
I’m so sorry for your losses, Nomzamo. I know how you feel. It can be very lonely, and there can be many unanswered questions. I hope you find peace and joy again very soon. Hugs to you from across the world. I’m so glad you stumbled upon my blog.
Thank you for your post… I am so sorry to hear about your experience love. I too experienced a miscarriage two weeks ago. I can’t bare to let go of my apps to track where my baby’s development would have been. The physical pain to deliver a baby at 10 weeks was awful. i’m struggling . I went into Marshalls today and could only stare at the baby section. I twice tried to walk over to look at abby clothes. I nearly lost it in the store before walking away. This is the second loss and I’m praying God will bless us with a healthy baby in the near future. I’m working on my mental, physical and spiritual health before trying again. My bf seems to not really want to discuss it. It hurts even more.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, Amber. I know all too well about the baby apps and not wanting to delete them, and of wandering into the baby section only to feel like I’m about to have a meltdown. You’re not alone. I’m sorry your experience was so painful. That’s something that very few talk about, and I know it took me by surprise. I too hope that God blesses you with your double rainbow baby soon and that you’ll heal. My husband also doesn’t like to talk about it too much either especially when he’s still grieving. If you ever need to talk, I’m here. Hugs to you!
Hi there,
My name is Jennifer and I just this past week went through my 2nd miscarriage. Although they were eight years apart. In between the eight years my fiancé of 6 years and I have been going through fertility treatments of fertility meds and IUI’s. We were told on paper we should be pregnant and 3.5 years later we got pregnant. We were over the moon crying and rejoicing that we finally got our little miracle. My HCG levels went up after the 1st and 2nd blood work, the baby was measuring to the correct size & the heart beat was strong. We were so excited but I had a prior miscarriage I knew anything could happen in the back of my mind. I wanted to believe this would not happen to us. So, I went to my 7 week and 4 days US and everything was on point and so was my blood work. Well a few days before my 11 week check up I notice brown spotting and read on google this was normal but something told me to go have the baby checked just in case. So, we went to the ER and the nurse did an external US but was having a hard time finding the baby and the heart beat. Now, my 1st miscarriage literally played out this exact same way. The nurse then said they would have to do an internal US and when that was done the baby had not grown since my last US nor was there a heartbeat. I lost it because I felt like I was living the same life again when I had my 1st miscarriage. What you went through for your second with the pain and everything is what I went through. I did end up in the ER and I was very thankful I had because one, I was never told what to expect when I was sent home and two, my white blood cell count was almost triple the amount it was supposed to because I had a missed miscarriage, meaning the baby had been passed away for almost three weeks before the miscarriage was discover and I had no symptoms of one, I ended up with an internal infection somewhere. So I was loaded up with meds and antibiotics. But now I have pains in my lower abdomen when I stretch and it almost hurts to empty my bladder as well. This has been beyond horrific for us after trying for so long and then getting pregnant to a miscarriage. But this is my story and I wanted to tell those who understand what I am going through and who can relate. My family and friends, some have been supportive and other say things like this was meant to happen or you will have another. I want to scream I know that but I wanted this pregnancy and this baby.
Oh, Jennifer. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I think it’s so important for us to share our experiences since miscarriage can feel so extremely lonely. And, I totally understand how you feel when you say you wanted this pregnancy and this baby. I, too have felt the exact same way. It takes a while to grieve this loss. Even though our babies are tiny, they fill a huge part of our hearts and when they’re gone it leaves a gaping hole. I’ll be praying for you and your fiancé that you heal quickly and easily and that you find some peace in this midst of this turmoil. Always here if you ever need to talk some more. Hugs!
I miscarried our son on May 5th. I found out we had lost the baby, at my second check up on May 3rd. I was 14 weeks, but the doctor estimated that our son had passed at 12 weeks. This has been really difficult for me because the baby was unplanned. We have a 20 year old daughter and an 18 year old son. When we found out we were going to have a third child, we were completely shocked. Though my husband quickly accepted that we would be parents again, I struggled with depression. I was confused about what God’s purpose was in giving us a third child at this stage in our life. Through weeks of prayer and thought, I finally found myself excited about having another child. Within two weeks of accepting that I was going to have another baby at the age of 42, I found out that the baby had passed. I feel so much guilt for taking so long to be excited about the baby. I know God has a purpose for everything, but I am left empty and broken. I can’t forget the memory of his tiny body leaving mine . I can’t stop having the visions of the milestones we would have celebrated. I feel ashamed for never realizing how tragic miscarriage is, and how horribly inadequate society is at supporting mothers and fathers who have lost their child to miscarriage. My only comfort is in knowing our son is in Heaven and we will be with him one day.
Oh Tera, thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. So much of what you’ve said resonates with me. And you’re correct, there isn’t enough support out there for couples going through loss like this. Thank you for sharing your faith and the story of your beautiful son. Prayers for healing and comfort for you and your family.
Hi, Stephanie!
Thank you so much for this post!
I’m a mother of two wonderful children, a 5-year-old boy and a 3 year-old girl. Last February, I was late on my period, but decided to wait for a while before taking a pregnancy test, because I had recently been put on an antidepressant due to anxiety and panic attacks, and I thought that maybe it could be delaying my period. I finally took the test on March 18th and it was positive! By the time, I would have been 8 weeks along. We weren’t (eagerly) trying for a new baby, but were very pleasantly surprised and happy when we found out.
So, I went for my first ob-gyn appointment as soon as I could. I was 10 weeks + 1 day. While performing the ultrasound, the doctor told me that she was afraid my pregnancy wasn’t progressing, because she wasn’t able to see the embryo. I was devastated! To make matters worse, she told me not to worry and go on with my prenatal care, for it might be the case that I had ovulated later on my cycle, or wasn’t recalling my last mestrual period date correctly. Well, I left that doctor’s office with a lot of new questions and no answers. Went to my general physician that same week and she told me that I could either go to the hospital and ask for a new ultrassound (which they would probably not perform, given that I had no pain, spotting or any other symptoms) or wait for the1st trimester ultrassound that should be done in 2-3 weeks. I decided to wait.
My ultrassound was booked for may 8th (national health service), so I would be 15 weeks along by then. I hadn’t lost a single drop of blood, hadn’t experienced any kind of weird discharge or pain, so I was totally convinced that I was misdiagnosed with the blighted ovum. Two days prior to the ultrassound, there was a little blood/brown discharge when I wiped. Deep inside I knew it was it, I was about to miscarry, but still hoped it was just some normal pregnancy spotting (which I had never experienced on my other two pg). One day prior, it wasn’t enough to even need a thin pad, but the truth is it wouldn’t go away. On the day of the 1st trimester ultrassound, the doctor saw the previous one and told me that there was no way this pregnancy could be viable and that he was astonished at the fact that the first doctor didn’t confirm it right away and put me through some much anguish and hassle. He performed a new ultrassound just to show me that there was only an empty sac in my uterus, and that it had already started to “collapse”, so I should pass it along with other tissue soon. I wasn’t shocked, because even though I had my hopes high for almost a month, the possibility of an anembryonic pg had always been lurking, and the very mild spotting I had had for the last two days somehow got me ready to hear the bad news.
The bleeding intensified and became similar to a period, and, as soon as I arrived home, I started to bleed profusely, as if a tap had just been open. I bled like that for at least one hour, which I spent in the bathtub, for pads wouldn’t prevent a mess with such an amount of blood and clots. The cramping i felt was very soft, just like a normal period. Then I put on some old underwar and a pad, but it wasn’t enough because sometimes the blood would gush, so I decided to wear a diaper instead. By night, I was watching tv and got up to go to the bathroom. I coughed and there was a massive oval jelly-looking “something” that I think was the sac. Then the bleeding tappered off, with an occasional sprout every now and then. Four days later, the bleeding intensified again and I passed two big pieces of tissue, one which I assume was the placenta and the other one I could’t even see because it was so heavy that it just sunk away. I was soaking through two pads in less than 15 minutes, so I went to the hospital just to make sure there wasn’t anything wrong. They performed an ultrassound and a pelvic exam and told me that my uterus was clean, 1 finger dilated, and that the bleeding would soon stop. They asked me to wait there for an hour to see how it went, and everything was ok.
Last Friday (21st may) I had a surprisingly heavy bleeding, just like the one I had on the first and fourth day. I was picking my children up from school and the blood started to gush out of my vag. Total nightmare! I drove home (don’t ask me how…), had a shower and by then the bleeding had already stopped. Not even a red or brown discharge when I wiped. I don’t really get it, since the doctor had told me that the uterus was clean and I had barely bled for a week and half, but as I had no pain or weird symptoms, I didn’t bother to go the hospital again.
Emotionally, I feel somewhat dettached from everything that happened; while I feel very disappointed at the unhappy ending and afraid that it can happen again, there’s also some sense of relief because finally I had an answer, a closure, and am now able to grieve my lost pregnancy. To know that it was an anembryonic pg also eases my pain – while it was in fact a pregnancy, I personally believe that it would be harder for me to know that there was once an embryo or a fetus whose little heart stopped beating. There again, the pregnancy was real, the dreams were real and plans were made, so I think that it is important to look at the feelings of loss as real too, instead of trying to diminish it.
Now I’m planning on my rainbow baby carefully, the doctor told me to wait for two cycles just to make sure everything is working fine with my reproductive system and then I can start trying.
So, this is my story. Sorry for the long read , but I hope it may be useful for other women who are having or had a blighted ovum or any other form of miscariage. There are only a few resources in portuguese, so I’m planning on creating some content about this experience of mine and encourage others to talk about theirs.
Nelia,
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your experience. I think it will bring comfort to many women going through a miscarriage. I’m glad to hear you’re planning to create some resources in Portuguese as well. You will be a light and bring hope to women through your experience. Prayers for healing for you and your family.